To the Girl Who Feels Empty

I have been an empty person in the past.

I know that I can be an optimistic person, full of love and joy and seeking friendship… but it isn’t always like that. There have been times when life was hard. So hard. There were days that turned to weeks that turned to months that at one point even turned into a couple years where I felt numb to the core. Not because I desired to be that way, but because… well, I don’t really know why. I just know that at times there is such deep darkness that it feels impossible to imagine the light, let alone see it.

I keep journals, I always have. My journals are raw and embarrassing, and I don’t really like to share them with anyone.

So it’s hard for me to share this.

Sometimes sharing our past pains can help others, and even ourselves.

“I feel numb.

I can’t feel happiness or even sadness.

There’s nothing there. Not a care about anything. I’m just numb and empty.

I want help, but I don’t at the same time. I have gotten used to the loneliness that it somehow feels more like a friend than friends do.

Searching for things to fill the empty space in my chest… in my life. It’s just such a deep emptiness… can he fill it? Can this job? Can anything?

Praying to the empty sky for the numbness to ease into feeling, but to no avail.

Will I forever be empty and numb?”

Those words, those heartbreaking and somewhat tragic words are my own. At a time in my life when I was feeling so dark and alone, and I couldn’t seem to grasp onto anything. All the things I had or wanted were slipping by. For a while I tried to catch them all, but then I became used to the weird numbness that I felt.

I am sharing this with you today to let you know that I am a believer in Christ and I have suffered with emptiness. I have struggled with things you can’t imagine. Darkness and sadness and panic and fear and anger and so many things.

Life is not easy, and if anyone tells you that, they are lying.

But.

There is hope.

Even in the dark times when I couldn’t imagine love or light or even an emotion… There was hope for me. Even if I couldn’t feel that hope it was so there. I clung hard to that tiny, barely a sliver of hope. I clung so hard just waiting to make it to the end of the emptiness. Praying and waiting and hoping and clinging with every part of my being.

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Eventually the feeling did come back. Such a force of emotion I had not felt in so long washed over me and I felt compassion and love and joy and sadness. It took a couple of years, but it came.

And there it was.

The light. The hope shining brighter than ever. The grace and mercy I had longed for was there as it always had been in Jesus Christ.

We don’t always feel His love, but it is there in a major way.

It is there for you too. You who struggle with depression or whatever your darkness is now. That tiny speck of light that you try to see and cling to is there. Even if you don’t see it yet.

Life may get worse before it gets better, but there are bright days ahead; even if it doesn’t feel like there will be. I know this for a fact.

Much love. Much grace.

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How Interviewing for Jobs Helped Me Gain Confidence

It’s hard out there, guys. I mean I’ve read articles and studies and a bunch of other stuff about how hard it is to get a job out there in the “real world”, especially for Millennials just graduating from college. (I mean, a graduate needs a four-year degree and five years of experience for an entry level job now… Literally impossible.) It’s pretty brutal. It’s less brutal if you know what you want to do with your life and you have the ability to relocate, but still very tough to beat out people for a job and not just huddle in a corner and cry. #realLife

It’s been nine months since I graduated with my BS degree and for about four months I was actively looking for a job.Β I now have a job that I am really enjoying, but the job search took a bit of a toll on my self-esteem and confidence there for a bit. However, this experience has been enlightening and encouraging in many different ways.

Now, in November of last year I talked about some of the fears I hadΒ and that I was still working on overcoming them. This experience has helped speed along that process in a major way, really getting down to the grit of specific fears I have.

Fear of Judgement

I hate knowing that people are constantly making first impressions of others and the idea of taking tests to determine my knowledge or skill at something makes my stomach hurt. I hate being judged. I hate being put on a number scale to determine my worth, because to me I don’t believe it is an accurate depiction of who I am.

Imperfection

I want to be good at everything; and by that I mean that I want to do everything perfectly. If I am doing something I want every detail to be aligned and displayed in a creative and fun way, and if it isn’t I tend to beat myself up about it.

Not Being Enough

It was hard going into job interviews and not getting a job. Β I had flaws that the future employer could not overcome, so they choose someone else. Mostly those flaws were experience related, but it’s very hard not to take each rejection personally.

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After each rejection, I noticed that my fears began to shrink. After each rejection I would grieve for a moment but then I would try to prepare for the next interview. Then, I started to list out good qualities about my professional self and memorizing them for interviews. I even carried them around on a piece of paper at one point so I could add more when I thought of them. I also started asking others what good qualities they saw in me so that I could add them to the list to tell future employers. This strategy helped me not just get a job, but be confident in my new stage of adulting. The career stage.

So, if you are out there searching and trying and maybe crying a little during a job search, just know you have many qualities to offer. So many, that I bet you could make a long list of them. πŸ˜‰

Much love. Much grace.

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What Would A Rational Person Do?

Let’s be real. The past few months have been a struggle for me. I have had some anxiety issues that I have been dealing with. Often I have found myself asking the question: “What would a rational person do?” during times of irrational amounts of stress and anxiety.

Naturally, the book How To Live In FearΒ caught my attention because of these moments in my life. I started this book not just to look into anxiety for myself, but also to see how I can help others cope with everyday struggles or panic attacks. I always felt so helplessΒ not knowing how to help someone dealing with anxiety, and this book really addresses how to be more aware of anxiety symptoms and triggers.

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The first thing that struck my attention about this book Β was that the author himself lives with anxiety. He is a pastor, father, and husband… and has dealt with anxiety his entire life. Most books I have read have been from people who have studied anxiety, or are popular “Self-Help” speakers, but have never personally dealt with such panic. Just having the author be an advocate and personally experience anxiety made this book all the more interesting to me.

Overall, this book is great for those dealing with mild to severe anxiety or people who know someone who is dealing with these issues. While I learned many new techniques, was encouraged, and gained a new understanding when dealing with anxiety, I did feel that the book was a bit long in page length.

I loved the personal stories and practical knowledge given by the author and other outside sources. He shared stories from his childhood, early-adulthood, and even his recent life that really allow the reader to understand anxiety triggers and his fears in general.

I would recommend this book to those interested in gaining a personal insight about anxiety but do wish there was more psychological and Biblical evidence throughout the book.

 

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Have you read this book by Lance Hahn? What did you think?

Much love. Much grace.

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