To the Girl Who Feels Empty

I have been an empty person in the past.

I know that I can be an optimistic person, full of love and joy and seeking friendship… but it isn’t always like that. There have been times when life was hard. So hard. There were days that turned to weeks that turned to months that at one point even turned into a couple years where I felt numb to the core. Not because I desired to be that way, but because… well, I don’t really know why. I just know that at times there is such deep darkness that it feels impossible to imagine the light, let alone see it.

I keep journals, I always have. My journals are raw and embarrassing, and I don’t really like to share them with anyone.

So it’s hard for me to share this.

Sometimes sharing our past pains can help others, and even ourselves.

“I feel numb.

I can’t feel happiness or even sadness.

There’s nothing there. Not a care about anything. I’m just numb and empty.

I want help, but I don’t at the same time. I have gotten used to the loneliness that it somehow feels more like a friend than friends do.

Searching for things to fill the empty space in my chest… in my life. It’s just such a deep emptiness… can he fill it? Can this job? Can anything?

Praying to the empty sky for the numbness to ease into feeling, but to no avail.

Will I forever be empty and numb?”

Those words, those heartbreaking and somewhat tragic words are my own. At a time in my life when I was feeling so dark and alone, and I couldn’t seem to grasp onto anything. All the things I had or wanted were slipping by. For a while I tried to catch them all, but then I became used to the weird numbness that I felt.

I am sharing this with you today to let you know that I am a believer in Christ and I have suffered with emptiness. I have struggled with things you can’t imagine. Darkness and sadness and panic and fear and anger and so many things.

Life is not easy, and if anyone tells you that, they are lying.

But.

There is hope.

Even in the dark times when I couldn’t imagine love or light or even an emotion… There was hope for me. Even if I couldn’t feel that hope it was so there. I clung hard to that tiny, barely a sliver of hope. I clung so hard just waiting to make it to the end of the emptiness. Praying and waiting and hoping and clinging with every part of my being.

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Eventually the feeling did come back. Such a force of emotion I had not felt in so long washed over me and I felt compassion and love and joy and sadness. It took a couple of years, but it came.

And there it was.

The light. The hope shining brighter than ever. The grace and mercy I had longed for was there as it always had been in Jesus Christ.

We don’t always feel His love, but it is there in a major way.

It is there for you too. You who struggle with depression or whatever your darkness is now. That tiny speck of light that you try to see and cling to is there. Even if you don’t see it yet.

Life may get worse before it gets better, but there are bright days ahead; even if it doesn’t feel like there will be. I know this for a fact.

Much love. Much grace.

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When Facebook Becomes Too Much To Handle

 

First, I want to apologize for a couple of things. I haven’t written/posted in a couple of weeks, and I am sorry for the inconsistency. I also want to apologize for my content. It has been fluffy, and unreal the majority of the time this year, and I am sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t had the guts to discuss things that really matter. I only have one excuse: Fear. I am afraid people will be angry and upset or hateful. Unfortunately, most of the people who will behave in these outbursts are already saturated in these emotions. They are afraid of the future, people different from themselves, and don’t know what to do to protect their current way of life besides act out on social media.

I have been trying to keep away from Instagram and Facebook, but the other day I couldn’t help it and I just had to see what was going on in the Facebook newsfeed. And for the first time in a long time, I felt such an array of confusing emotions. I was exhausted after only 30 minutes of looking at the newsfeed.

Friends, it was the most hateful stream of articles I have seen. We have turned a social media into a hate-fest and fear-mongering place. No longer are pictures of vacations or breakfast foods, now articles about how Muslims are all bad, Black lives don’t matter as much as All lives, and Donald Trump are all I see. Facebook is now a place to hatefully share an opinion and openly share racist comments, all from behind a computer screen. Facebook is not a positive place.

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My heart aches as I see my Facebook friend’s opinions about groups of people who pose no threat to their way of life. My heart hurts because now I know what his/her heart really believes. People who claim to love others, instead are calling for the exclusion of people based on race and religion, or are voting for someone who is. Now I know too much about the hate that is placed in my friend’s hearts. I know they dislike my friends who look different. I know they are scared of my friends of different faiths. I know my friends value their own life over any other person. I know that they are willing to leave the lost, hungry, orphaned, and nationless in a state of instability, or even wish these people would return to the war-torn country from which they came. I know the truth now about people I looked up to as a teenager or had solidarity with as a peer. I know the only interest these people have, is in themselves. And my heart is so so broken.

I am so broken over these actions because these hateful words are what create outsiders. The fear of the people sharing these opinions is what causes the very acts of which they are afraid.If we continue to create a space of dislike for those different than ourselves, how can we expect those people to like us, let alone become a member of our society? We create outsiders who then feel wronged by not only the government or institution, but by actual people in society. People that may have appeared friendly, and then share hateful words minutes later on the internet only to create friction.

How do we share love, when that very love is continually picked-apart by people who claim to believe the same thing? How do we continually forgive after every single racist, hateful post? How do we keep from falling completely apart like the world around us?

I wish I could say that we have the power as people to rise against the hate, to really let love win. I wish I could say we as individuals can come together to love the hate out of people. But we can’t. Not on our own. Everyday is a battle of good against evil. Positivity over negativity. Light over dark. And it’s a battle we cannot do on our own. Christ is the only one who can give us the unconditional love we need to rise above the fear. Christ is the only one who can help us continue to forgive our scared friends, even if they never change their minds. With Christ’s love, I can continue to love my friends who dislike other people in my life based on skin color or religion. I can have hope that maybe one day, they will see His love, and will actually choose this love over fear.

With Christ, love truly wins; every time.

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And to my friends who are feeling the heat of this election or anti-difference articles:

I am so sorry for the hatred directed your way. I am sorry this the way America is choosing to display herself. I am sorry for any ill-will you have received. I love you all so much. You are so very loved and I am so thankful for each of you. I love your skin being the same or different than mine. I love you in spite of religious differences. I love you if you speak English or a different language. I love you if you are a vegetarian, vegan, or meat-lover. You are so loved, even if people try toΒ tell you otherwise.

Much love. Much grace.

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