I have been an empty person in the past.
I know that I can be an optimistic person, full of love and joy and seeking friendship… but it isn’t always like that. There have been times when life was hard. So hard. There were days that turned to weeks that turned to months that at one point even turned into a couple years where I felt numb to the core. Not because I desired to be that way, but because… well, I don’t really know why. I just know that at times there is such deep darkness that it feels impossible to imagine the light, let alone see it.
I keep journals, I always have. My journals are raw and embarrassing, and I don’t really like to share them with anyone.
So it’s hard for me to share this.
Sometimes sharing our past pains can help others, and even ourselves.
“I feel numb.
I can’t feel happiness or even sadness.
There’s nothing there. Not a care about anything. I’m just numb and empty.
I want help, but I don’t at the same time. I have gotten used to the loneliness that it somehow feels more like a friend than friends do.
Searching for things to fill the empty space in my chest… in my life. It’s just such a deep emptiness… can he fill it? Can this job? Can anything?
Praying to the empty sky for the numbness to ease into feeling, but to no avail.
Will I forever be empty and numb?”
Those words, those heartbreaking and somewhat tragic words are my own. At a time in my life when I was feeling so dark and alone, and I couldn’t seem to grasp onto anything. All the things I had or wanted were slipping by. For a while I tried to catch them all, but then I became used to the weird numbness that I felt.
I am sharing this with you today to let you know that I am a believer in Christ and I have suffered with emptiness. I have struggled with things you can’t imagine. Darkness and sadness and panic and fear and anger and so many things.
Life is not easy, and if anyone tells you that, they are lying.
There is hope.
Even in the dark times when I couldn’t imagine love or light or even an emotion… There was hope for me. Even if I couldn’t feel that hope it was so there. I clung hard to that tiny, barely a sliver of hope. I clung so hard just waiting to make it to the end of the emptiness. Praying and waiting and hoping and clinging with every part of my being.
Eventually the feeling did come back. Such a force of emotion I had not felt in so long washed over me and I felt compassion and love and joy and sadness. It took a couple of years, but it came.
And there it was.
The light. The hope shining brighter than ever. The grace and mercy I had longed for was there as it always had been in Jesus Christ.
We don’t always feel His love, but it is there in a major way.
It is there for you too. You who struggle with depression or whatever your darkness is now. That tiny speck of light that you try to see and cling to is there. Even if you don’t see it yet.
Life may get worse before it gets better, but there are bright days ahead; even if it doesn’t feel like there will be. I know this for a fact.
Much love. Much grace.